So, yesterday the FA released the full written reasons for issuing Arsene Wenger with a four match ban after the 2-1 win over Burnley.
We all know the broad outline. The manager took umbrage with the decision to award Burnley a penalty, had words with Anthony Taylor who, being a massive telltale and something of a ninny, called over Jon Moss who then sent the boss off.
Not only that, Taylor followed him down the tunnel and then told some more when Wenger pushed his arm away as the fourth official tried to usher him further into the bowels of the stadium where he was mandated to go after the sending off. This was presented in some quarters as a ‘shove’ by the 67 year old, when in fact Taylor was the one who provoked it.
Anyway, that’s the bit we all knew. In their full report, issued yesterday, this is what Taylor said to the investigation commission:
Following the award of a penalty kick against his team in approx. 92nd min, Mr Wenger left his technical area to confront me in disagreement at the decision. Before he said anything I said “think carefully before you say anything”. He responded by saying “you are dishonest to your federation”.
I considered this to be questioning both mine and the referee, Jon Moss’s integrity and impartiality. I stated to Mr. Wenger that such a comment was not acceptable and he told me to “f*ck off” on two separate occasions.
Once Burnley had taken the penalty and before the game restarted I informed the referee, Jon Moss, what Mr Wenger had said and he subsequently dismissed Mr Wenger from the technical area.
I can’t explain how marvellous this is. ‘You are dishonest to your federation’ is now right up the top of my insult list. I’m going to use it for everything and it works in so many circumstances.
Scenario 1 – Man returns to car to see a parking ticket being issued
Man: Oh mate, come on. I’m just a minute over.
Parking attendant, ex referee-Anthony Taylor: The rules are the rules, I’m afraid.
Man: I was helping my elderly mother back home after a brutal colonoscopy this morning. Have a heart.
Parking attendant, ex referee-Anthony Taylor: No. You’re getting a ticket and that’s it.
Man: You’re dishonest to your federation.
Parking attendant, ex referee-Anthony Taylor: *takes out phone, dials number* – Get me Jon Moss immediately.
Voice on phone: There is no Jon Moss here, you bad, bad grass. He’s still a ref. I mean, who knows how, but he is.
Parking attendant, ex referee-Anthony Taylor: *Hangs up*. Dammit, well, you’re still getting a ticket.
Man: F*ck off. Twice.
Scenario 2 – Captain James T Kirk does it again
Kirk: I think we’re in big trouble, Spock.
Spock: You think so?! The Prime Directive states prohibits Starfleet personnel from interfering with the internal development of alien civilizations.
Kirk: I know, I know!
Spock: Jim, you’ve impregnated half the planet. Look at these mini-Kirks running around with their jaunty bellies, staccato speech and vestigial tails. They’re monsters.
Kirk: Look, what was I supposed to do?
Spock: How about not riding all the alien women, you dirty old goat?
Kirk: Spock … *makes the ‘you know me’ face*
Spock: I know …
Alien official, Anthony Taylor: You idiots have ruined our civilisation with your foul interbreeding.
Kirk: Ah get a grip, these things could grow up to be … ahh, you probably have a point. They’re disgusting little bastards.
Alien official, Anthony Taylor: You’re dishonest to your federation.
Kirk: F*ck off!
Spock: Yeah, f*ck off you snitch! Tell yer da why don’t you?
Kirk: *Whispers* – You know we could just nuke the place from space and sell them the old ‘There was a big volcano’ story again.
Spock: Seems logical, captain.
Kirk: Can I keep one though?
Scenario 3 – Woman goes into buy coffee
Woman: Large cappuccino, please.
Barista, ex referee-Anthony Taylor: That’ll be £2.50 please.
Woman: Here you go.
Barista, ex referee-Anthony Taylor: Would you like sugar?
Woman: Yes please.
Barista, ex referee-Anthony Taylor: *forgets sugar*
Woman: You sir, are dishonest to your federation.
Barista, ex referee-Anthony Taylor: It was an honest mistake. Life is so hard now that I’m not a full-time PGMOL employee and occasional squealer. Please, have a heart.
Woman: You know what’s coming.
Barista, ex referee-Anthony Taylor: Please don’t.
Woman: F*ck off.
Barista, ex referee-Anthony Taylor: Stop!
Woman: *pauses for the longest time*
Barista, ex referee-Anthony Taylor: Just get it over with, for the love of god.
Woman: F*CK OFF!
Barista, ex referee-Anthony Taylor: *weeps at a life lost*
So, as you can see, it’s a masterful put-down and one which should now be used the world over by everyone in any circumstances they see fit. Today, I have to take my car to get its NCT. I brought it to the garage this week to get it checked out first and there were some problems with the gearbox and a few other things that needed doing. This cost me the guts of €450
So, if they fail my car today, after spending all that money and having it made NCT ready, I will most assuredly say to the chap ‘You are dishonest to your federation’. The Federation of Car Mechanics who are tasked with making people come back for a re-test just so they can squeeze another few quid out of you. I hate that federation so much.
Still, at least I’m well-armed with a pithy response when he says ‘Yeah, you just need a new engine and chassis and wheels and windows and carburettor and exhaust pipe and brakes and dashboard and mirrors and seats and then it’ll pass’.
Right, that’s just about that for this morning. If you haven’t yet had a listen to this week’s Arsecast Extra James and I discuss the mighty win over Sutton, Lucas Perez and his resting bitch face, Alexis Sanchez and his sinister powers, the unseemly magic of the cup, and lots more. Listen below, more from me tomorrow.